Analogies are like awesome ways to explain things...

Analogies are like an awesome way to explain things, until they are not.  Because no two things are the same, any attempt to aid understanding using an analogy must be limited to the most superficial levels of comparison.  Trying to take the comparison too deep will fail, in much the same way that comparing the Beatles and the Stones will go off the tracks shortly after the statement: "The Beatles are like the Stones..."

(I'm creating this post mostly as a spot to link to in future posts, kind of like a shorthand way of explaining my issue with analogies)

The never ending WHY

It's a cliché in comedic bits about parenting: the kid asks an endless barrage of questions which inevitably turns into a staccato series of "Why, Why, but Why?!"  And the parent always gets exasperated and/or pummeled into the submission of saying "I don't know why!  It's just because!"

But I have a confession: I enjoy the questions.  Every time my little man expresses some curiosity about the world, a little flag waves in my mind reminding me that my kid is engaged, is paying attention, is constantly learning.  I made a decision before he was born to do my very best to answer every question he asks, as many as it takes to get a to a point where is satisfied or I just don't know the answers (and then we go to the internet for answers!).

I won't lie - there are definitely times (generally an hour past bedtime when the questions tend to lean in the "silly" direction and my brain is in shutdown mode) when my commitment to this question answering is tested, but in the end I can never say no [more questions] to this face:

So, yeah, this week I have engaged in 10+ minute digressions about how internal combustion engines work, how the calamari we had for dinner was right then working it's way through his tummy on a route to become poop and then out to the potty, and a long (and confusing, to me) conversation about what is "under the road".  And the truth is, I enjoyed each talk.  Just don't ask me why.

Cherishing the failure

My little boy has come a long way.  Now 28+ months old, he can walk, run, and climb, he can carry (empty) boxes and turn little wooden nuts onto bolts.  He can talk with reasonable articulation in English, and can name a number of things in Spanish.  He's undeniably clever and developing physical skills at a nice clip.

But with regularity, when attempting something that he easily did moments before, he falls flat on his face.  Very often the fall is quite literal.  And I am learning to thoroughly enjoy these little failures.

Just this morning, Jude went to swing his leg over a little Scooter that he rides around the house - this is a super simple action he has completed successfully countless times - but he started the maneuver from too far away.  It was funny to watch, one of his feet firmly planted about 18 inches from the front of the bike and the other foot kind of flailing around in space about 4 inches short of the seat.  And what came next was instructive: he realized the error, replanted the pivot foot a little closer, and successfully mounted up and off he went with a smile.

In the same kind of way, I'll watch him tear around the house like a little Nascar racer, looping from kitchen to dining to living rooms, ducking under and around table corners and sporting a kind of wild eyed look on his face.  Jude can manage this circuit with ease, except every once in a while the floor apparently reaches up and grabs him and he full on tumbles into the hardwood.  And then he gets up and takes off again.

We are in a great stage because these kinds of little accidents cost us little.  Jude has gotten good at falling without injury, and he rarely cries over it any more.  My hope is that he is cultivating resilience and patience with the bumps and tumbles that come with life, the little frustrations that can so easily reduce an adult to literal or figurative tears.  And maybe that's part of why I am enjoying watching my son fail - failure for him is not tiger pit or an insurmountable obstacle, but just one of those little things that happen before you move on with a goofy smile on your face.

and...relief

As I expected but feared would not happen, my son's fever broke and his personality returned in force at 1:30 AM this morning.  Rarely have I enjoyed being woken early as much as this time, with a little voice - still hoarse but somehow measurably more pleasant - coming through the monitor asking for juice and a snack and to play downstairs with his big rig.  In short, he feels much better and so do his mama and I.

fear

In some ways, every fear is of the unknown.

As a parent, the most common fear is that something could happen to your child.

When something happens to your child, the fear extends to what may happen next.

My little boy is sick this week.  Nothing tragic or overly serious, or so we heard today at the doctor's office.  Apparently he has an ear infection (or two), likely brought on as a "secondary infection" from his system being depressed due to allergies, or a cold, etc

I'm not taking it well.

He cannot tell us what hurts, or what he wants, or what he needs.  Our relatively articulate 2 year old has been reduced to a constant moan, with spikes of intense whining.  Normal treats, like juice, he treats with contempt.  He doesn't want us to take his clothes off; he doesn't want us to put clothes on him.  He doesn't want us to wipe his nose, and he doesn't want us to give him medicine.  Every action we have taken today has resulted in full body spasms as he fights us; he doesn't understand we are trying to help and hurting alongside him.

The whole experience has unnerved and shaken me, and it leaves me frightened about what could come.  Again - my son has what is very likely a common ear infection and will be back to normal soon.  But in the interim it is just too easy for our fear to fester, for us to fear that his pain - and our own - will somehow evolve and extend into something worse and longer lasting.

Love can be hard, and love can hurt.

Here's hoping that everyone feels better in the morning.

mornings

The first hour of the day around here can be so challenging.  The adults in the house all cling to the fading memory of sleep like shipwreck survivors to bits of floating debris, while the youngest resident and his dog are ready to get the dervishes whirling immediately.

There is something about feeling rushed: getting the morning ablutions in, breakfast begun, the dog outside-and-back-and-fed, and food on the table before the Tyrannosaur 2 year old Rex realizes he's hungry...sometimes both the intensity of this chunk of routine and it's quotidian tedium makes me crabby.

I'm beginning to suspect that is one of those cases where the counter intuitive option may be best; perhaps I should rise earlier to sneak up on the routine when it doesn't expect me.

Two Years! (and a little more...)

I know this post is late, and every day later it became, the more I dreaded coming here to write.  There are some negative feedback loops that seem so silly when viewed from any distance at all, but for the looper it does not seem silly at all.

Your birthday falls the day after Christmas, and it always will.  The holiday season is busy, there are many family commitments and important things tugging folks in a dozen directions, and I let that busyness get in the way of taking some time to record the passing of this important milestone, your 24th month of life!

But we did celebrate on your birthday, with family and friends and cupcakes and decorations in the theme of a construction yard.  You are very much into trucks and tractors, and you have a book with lots of hard hat wearing workers doing tons of fun stuff, so we think you enjoyed the pageantry of the party.

This has been a great year, and the two since you came into our lives have been fantastic.  I get pretty sentimental pretty quickly when I think about being a dad - your dad! - but I do enjoy our time together. You are entering a challenging phase in terms of working out your attitude towards respecting your mom and me; you push to get your way and when we hold out, things go downhill quickly.  I recognize that this phase happens for everyone, and we could definitely have it worse, but to see you pivot from happy / smiling to screaming / crying is not fun.

Over the last twelve months you have learned to walk and run, to talk a good bit, to feed yourself (inconsistently, but you have the skill set now); you have become a much better and more consistent sleeper, putting in a decent ~10 hours most nights without too much fussing.  We are still dealing with a protracted transition to bedtime, and that chore has been taking a toll on your mom - hopefully the 2.25 year update to this blog will record our joy at you just going to bed at bedtime!

One of the really surprising joys for me over the last few months has been the development of your memory.  You can recall things that we did together weeks or months ago, and to hear you randomly start talking about the farm (pumpkin patch trips) or the boat (with Mamaw and Granddad in the summer!) or walking on the "blue bridge" and riding the carousel giraffe...it's a lot of fun.  And it's cool to see what you think of as fun or exciting, or what sticks out in your memory.

You do not go to daycare for a variety of reasons, and one casualty of that choice is that you have less interaction with folks your age than most other kids in society at large.  But, we have had some success in the last year getting together with friends of mine and your mom who have children between 0 and 5, and you are starting to develop your own relationships with those little people.  You have one friend in Chicago that you call out by name on a regular basis, a young lady named Harper.  While you have only see her a small handful of times and with large breaks between, she must have made a serious impression on you.  Besides Harper, you have visited a few times with some other friends both here in Chattanooga and briefly in Chicago on one of our trips, and it has been interesting to watch you interact.  The books all say that kids your age don't really "play" together, but rather you play around each other, and that has been our experience to date.  At a friend's house, you will survey the scene, pick out some toys to commandeer, and basically do your own thing while they do theirs, with the occasional huggy/kissy (very sweet to see!) or whiny (when you realize you can't play with every toy at once) bits thrown into the mix.

I'm rambling here.  Months 13 - 24 were awesome, and probably better than 1 - 12 because you are totally turning into a real little person.  You have more personality and you know how to interact, you can tell us (sometimes) what's on your mind in a way that allows us to understand and react...you're funny and sweet and smart and you make me so very, very glad that I'm your dad.

I love you, son.

Month 23

Or 2Y - 1mo!  The 23rd month is always going to give up a little luster to the coming celebration of the big 2 year mark, but this month has been pleasant.  Not only has the weather turned a little crisper, but you, my boy, have graduated into the next grade of terrorizing your parents.  This month, you learned to climb.

Just a few short nights ago, while prepping for one of many holiday meals, you climbed right up onto a two step stool and "helped" Mama with her cooking.  And now, forever more, the knives will have to be put away, not to be left on the counter top for reachy little hands.

I blame it all on your new friend; we recently had dinner with another family in their home, and their son (your age +/- one week) was climbing all over the place and you took copious notes.  It's all good, though.  1/8 of a second after this picture was taken, you learned the second lesson of climbing, and the bruise didn't even last a day.

You also continued developing your curiosity this month.  As mentioned before, you get to go to the TN aquarium a ridiculous amount, and at each stage of your very young life you have reacted differently to the experience.  This last time you finally took notice of the jelly fish and maybe a little bit the giant crabs.  And for 7 or 8 seconds you checked out the under water observation bubble.





This was your first year with real exposure to holiday food, and it turned out to be a good year for that. Both families (Mama's and Daddy's) celebrated Thanksgiving with above average iterations of the turkey, stuffing, potato, etc assembly.  At your Oma's house, you even got to show your climbing skills off out on the deck in pretty but brisk temps.

I should also mention that you are talking more, and with more sophistication.  I am more impressed that you look at a picture book and say "two mouses" than I am concerned that you haven't fully grokked the crazy English rules of plurals.

Along the same lines, it makes me and yo mama fuzzy and warm on the insides when you wander off in the house and we find sitting with a book, "reading" to one of your friends (owl, train, Pooh...)  It shows my bias, but I do believe that if we can get encourage your love of reading that the rest of your education will likely take care of itself.

We are excited about the coming celebration, and we are committed to recognizing your birthday despite the societal focus on the Christmas holidays, but we cherish each month, and 23 is no exception.  Maybe because you brought the style this month, hard.

I love you, son.  Stay cool.

Time to move on

 Family, community, legacy...I mentioned these words in this space recently, and they have been resonating in my mind ever since.  I have known for quite some time what is important to me, what I value, what I love and care about, but I have also come to see more clearly that my actions have not always aligned well with those values.

I value my family, I care for my community, and I am mindful of my legacy.  This month I made a tough decision, a choice 12 years in the making, and one that I believe is more closely aligned with my values.  After spending 1/3 of my life building a career in one role, and with one firm, I have chosen to step away from that path and onto another.

This year I am starting my own business.  I believe I am well prepared and well suited for the endeavor, I am confident that I have the ability to be productive and to bring value to others, and it is my sincere hope that this new career will allow me to better express my values.

Family.  Community.  Legacy.

Stay tuned - see you soon!

Month 22

For those readers new to this blog, I write about a great many things but not very often (right now), but one thing that I write about every month on the 26th is my son.  He was born on December 26, 2010, and so he is now twenty two months old.  Except today is the 31st.  So I'm late.  Again.

On the actual day, the Chattanooga Zoo had a pre-Halloween event called "Boo in the Zoo", where you could bring your kids out in their costumes and walk around looking at the animals and the other kids in their costumes.

It was a lot of fun and maybe a little overwhelming but totally worth it.




Son, this 22nd month ended up being a pretty big in the course of our family's direction.  In some ways this shift had nothing to do with you, but from a different perspective it had everything to do with you.  The very short version of the story is that I made a decision this month to attempt a change in career.  After a lot of consideration, your mom and I decided that we both want to spend more and higher quality time together as a family.

I have more to say, about your development and about the changes in my career, but I'll save that for another day.  For now, know that you are my favorite little fireman in the world, and that you have an incredibly talented and crafty mama too!

3 things

Family
Community
Legacy

That is all.

the wonder wanders

Hit play and let this be the soundtrack for this morning's post:

[i would prefer a live action video, but I didn't see any suitable PS originals, and the cover versions on youtube for this song seem...not great?]

There is a heavy fog in the Tennessee valley this morning, and when my little boy looked out the window to see the school bus hurtling by, and then later the trash truck doing its duties, he watched and reacted as he always does.  There was no concerned glance at dad, as if to communicate "why is the outside so fuzzy and white this morning?"  No, he just accepted this novelty (in his experience); he just took it in and rolled with it.

When do we lose that?  The phrase "childlike wonder" or "innocence" or similar have risen to the level of cliche, but of course their commonality derives from the fact that kids are more open.

Is it possible to extend that state a bit later in life than is typical for children in the US?  And would that be healthy or beneficial or wise?  Are adult attempts to rekindle that sense of wonder in their own lives appropriate, and is it even possible do regain that state, or are those childlike moments really just a quasi successful short term delusion?

Watching my boy engage with the world is fun, and it does in some ways give me a little wormhole window back into the child's eye perspective, but I also recognize the danger in allowing nostalgia to put a Instagrammed [ed note. too au courant] romanticized, sepia toned overlay on my actual experiences as a kid.

No Parking

We (people) impose order on our environments.  We build dams and levies to reign in our rivers, we carve roads through forests and through mountains of stone, we breed dogs to be friendly and corn to be productive.  Where many of us come together, we lay down laws and put up signs in pursuit of delineating those things that shall be allowed and those that shall not.

Some rules seem somewhat arbitrary on the surface (you may park your car along the street in precisely this spot on these specific days at these few particular hours), but generally derive from some sensible premise (the street cleaning truck cannot clean the street if your car is in the way).  Rules are designed by society to improve on the experience of society; rules and their design are what enable society in the first place.

Where things get complicated, though, in my opinion, is when people expect rules where there are none.

Since we operate almost exclusively within systems and constraints that we ourselves designed, it can be jarring to take a perspective step back and realize that just outside the cone of electric light there are some dark and complicated shadows.

For instance, biology requires that we mate and raise little versions of ourselves to perpetuate the species.  And that's it, the entire evolutionary rule book is that short: make more humans.  There is no naturally provided guidance about whether your kid(s) should go to pre-school or daycare, whether you should let them see you cry, whether you should put their college funding ahead of your retirement savings...  That's not to say that we haven't learned some tips and tricks to optimize "successful outcomes", but it does suggest that the very term "successful outcome" can have widely varying meanings around the world.  And so the rule remains, either individually or in aggregate: make more humans.

I've come to see humans as techno- or systemo-cratic creatures.  We respond well to a "do this and then that will happen" approach, but the actual experience of living in the real world very often turns out to be highly random or variable.  A spouse can internalize all of the best advice about how to be a good spouse and still find themselves divorced.  A parent can navigate the narrow and twisty path of giving enough but not too much attention to their kids and still end up with a "problem child".  A student can study hard, keep their nose clean, hit all their marks, and still fail to find a good job.  If there are actual "rules" to the game of life, they are designed for the statistical mean experience, not for individual data points.

Religious and secular philosophies attempt to glean a set of rules for the human existence from the natural and physical laws we can observe, and/or the "perfect standard" we can imagine, but again those systems seem to address the aggregate experience of the group and not a given individual.

I am feeling that the upshot is that in the case of an individual, rules are not rules but guides, because for an individual there is no guarantee that following rule X (or step, or process, or system) will produce result Y.  Maybe because NTTATS.

I'll think on this a little more, but the general sentiment above came out of a relatively brief conversation I had with my wife and life partner last night, and I wanted to capture the gist of that for further reflection.

21 months!

So now you are 21 - party time!  Hey!  This is a placeholder, because Daddy's off work this week and we are maxing out the family fun time.  I'll come back soon to post some recent pics/vids/anecdotes to commemorate this milestone.  Love you, Buddy!

[I've decided to reopen this post versus starting a new one]

Some videos I had planned to share here have migrated away from a readily accessible location, so we will stick with photos for now.

Your personality has really ramped up in recent weeks - not that you haven't always been awesome, but lately your conversation skills and...awareness of interpersonal relationships?...has really improved.

This shot is now the "lock screen" on my phone.  You don't know who the Ninja Turtles are, but you could be their Pai Mei...

And this shot is now my phone's wallpaper...you seriously (still) love tractors and anything else with a steering wheel that we can let you sit on and "drive".  The special obstacle this love has created for us in recent weeks is that you are no longer content to sit in your car seat, but wish instead to be in the driver's seat...we keep trying to explain things like licenses and laws, but you don't care.  You just want to drive.

Have I told you lately how much I love you and your mom?  I do.  I really, really do.

Some things are changing around here in terms of career outlook, and those changes will propagate out through the rest of our lives, and it's all terrible exciting and anxious and fun and unknown, but one thing that I have no intention of allowing to change is how much I love you two and want to remain focused on family.

In the meantime, keep doing what you are doing: you're fun, sweet, and pretty adorable.

I love you, Buddy.

Do it tomorrow

So far in your life, how many times have you read, heard, seen in someone offer up the advice: "don't wait"? It could be for expressing your love, or taking that chance on a new career, or whatever, but the sentiment comes up over and over.

Do it now. Do it today. Live your life NOW.

You've heard it 1000s of times. At least, I have. And I've felt that urgency to act. But...

Sometimes there is a reason, but often there is not... we just fail to act. The status quo persists, or the obstacles to action seem to high, or or or.

My thought for the day: don't save it. Spend it. If there is love, share it. If there are new ideas, embrace them. 

Month 20

A few days late!  Sometimes life comes at you fast, you know?

This has been a great month.  I hate it when people toss around terms like "blessed" cheaply; after careful consideration, I can say that I have felt truly blessed in recent weeks to be stuck with a kid like you and a wife like yo' mama.

today, I weigh "awesome"

We took a trip to Asheville, NC this month, for a long weekend break from home.  After touring the Biltmore house, we checked out the little "village" they have built for additional tourist dollar extraction.  One bit was a barn with retired farm equipment set around for viewing; this is a great time to share with the world your intense passion for tractors...

old MacDonald better watch his back - there's a new farmer in town

I'm sure that I would have been happy in an alternate timeline where we didn't have a child, but this actual timeline has brought me so much joy, and so much of it in ways I could not have anticipated.  Hearing you say "tractor, tractor, TRACTOR!" with this gleam of hungry joy in your eyes is so much fun.

It's not just tractors - you want to drive everything.  Anything with a wheel, you're going to wheel it.  And if it doesn't have a wheel, you're going to figure out how to drive it anyway.

no, I am NOT ready to stop driving the boat

Each passing month has brought new excitement too, in the form of opportunities to play and explore and experiment.  For example, you have learned both the solo and tandem approaches to sliding

Also?  You eat like a champ.  More and more, you are taking food off of Mom and Dad's plates, and in some cases when we are out to eat, you even get to order your own food from the menu.  At home, less of your food comes in a pouch with a picture of a baby or Elmo on it (ed note: you have always eaten a lot of fresh fruits and veggies), and more and more comes from the produce section of the store.

I've started thinking of you as "2"...maybe it's the concept of rounding up?  We have a few more months before you are officially 2, and I'm guessing there will be some new rounds of awesome in those months, and then we will have a special 24 months / 2 years post!  Stay tuned, and stay cool.

Daddy loves you very much!

Happy 20 months!

More tomorrow...

Month 19

You woke up with a 102+ fever this morning, the morning after your old man turned 35.  Some mornings (and months!) are harder to appreciate than others.  Even so, the last 30 days had some highlights worth mentioning here:

• you traveled out of the country, to Aruba for a few days, to celebrate the wedding of one of Mom's cousins.  You did great.  I intend to write more, later, about traveling as a small family with a young kid(s).
• you have pretty well mastered eating with a fork
• while you are still not making sentences, you are saying many words, more clearly and in appropriate contexts.  It's very cool to see your ability to communicate (verbally and non-) improve so much over such a short amount of time
• on one of our semi-regular trips to the Aquarium, you walked pretty much the whole way around the exhibits, up and down ramps.  That was a big change from being carried or strollered around

So...sorry this month's post is a little mechanical and uninspired.  Be sure that you are still inspirational, but Daddy's kind of down today.

NTTATS update: further thought

When I first started talking (here and elsewhere) about the concept of "No Two Things Are The Same", one of the more valid questions/criticisms was concerned with the practical implications: what can I do with this knowledge?

At the time, my best answer was a somewhat vague "well, you can approach new ideas and decisions armed with the knowledge that No Two Things Are the Same"...today, I'm happy to report that I feel the same way, but have some more concrete examples.

It's well know and accepted (and reasonable) that folks like to use examples (precedents, analogies, etc) to make a point, or to suggest best practices, or offer a contrast, and so statements like the following are pretty common:

During the credit crises of 2008+, the banks of Canada weathered the storm much better than the banks in the States - we should model our banking system on Canada's!

New Zealand has this awesome, pro-business tax policy and everyone there is happy - we should follow this model in the US!

I chose these two examples because they are similar in my view: the population of Canada is about 1/10th that of the States, and the GDP of New Zealand is a rounding error to the US.  Further, the demographics and urban/rural distribution of Canada creates a far different banking scenario than could apply to the States.

In neither case does the surface difference between the US and the other countries automatically invalidate the suggested policy, but those differences point out a very different reality on the ground in the example countries.

Based on my anecdotal experience, some folks are naturally more skeptical / sophisticated about applying some basic criticisms to suggestions like those above, but many people aren't...they hear "Canadian banks remained well capitalized" and they readily accepted the suggestion that the Canadian banks were subject to the exact same stresses as those applied to US banks.  So a more thorough acceptance of NTTATS in society could serve to shift the balance towards more critical thinking.

18 months! 1.5 years! wow!

Your mother and I decided pretty early on that we weren't going to do this "half birthday" non-sense...just because your actual birthday came the day after Christmas, it's your birthday, and we will be as ridiculous about you on that day as we want.

But...18 months does seem like a big deal, for some reason.  A lot HAS happened in this last month.

You got your first car (and you take personal safety seriously!)

You are learning to eat like an adult (this bit is home grilled pizza)



You even made a go at your first job, but it turned out that delivering packages was not your passion.

I have no video evidence to offer here, but this month has also seen you beginning to show your interest in expression via dance...nearly every day you find a chance to turn on the radio (you love pushing buttons), and we find you spinning, smiling, waving your arms.  It's quite a sight, and one we have yet to tire of seeing.

There is, however, video evidence that you are going to be awesome at hiding:



One of the things about this stage that constantly surprises me is how I see you...in one moment, you look like a proper little dude about town, like here where it looks like you are weighing the decision between San Pellegrino and the more quotidian DeerPark bottled waters:

or here where you seem ready to have a heart to heart chat:

but then, at other times, I look at you and all I can see is the soft, tiny chunk of love you were 18 months ago:

Son, we tell you all the time, but don't think we can say it too much: your mother and father love you.